What Can We Learn From Lubbock's Reports Of Dumb Criminals?

We've seen what gets people arrested, and we have 12 things to avoid for you.

Over decades of collecting dumb-criminal stories for the RockShow in Lubbock, Texas, a handful of repeating mistakes keeps showing up. These aren’t how-to tips — they’re how-not-to tips. Read, laugh, and then do the sensible thing: don’t do the crime.

Why Dumb Criminals Get Caught — Common Patterns That Show Up Again and Again

If you’re going to steal, at least make it worth the trouble. Too many people get busted for tiny items that weren’t worth the risk — and they end up famous for all the wrong reasons.
Don’t go into tight spaces alone. Chimneys, ducts, crawlspaces and walls are traps in real life; the “stuck” stories are embarrassingly common.
Do only one crime at a time. Multitasking felonies increase mistakes: a blown taillight, a missed turn, or two crimes in a day is what usually trips people up.
Don’t post your own crime (or livestream it). The internet is a permanent evidence locker — and people are still doing this.
Food is not an effective weapon. Sandwich-based assaults turn into sad, ineffective stunts that don’t help the perpetrator and only make the story weirder.
You will not outrun the police. Chases add charges, damage, and regret — and they rarely end like the movies. Just don’t.
Don’t ask cops to “test” anything or report contraband stolen. Involving officers in your bad choices is a shortcut to booking and an awkward court day.
Don’t try to steal from cops or from the police station. You wouldn't believe how many people try to steal something on their way out of jail. That’s the kind of move that becomes a legend — and not the kind you want.
No one wants to tackle a naked man. It may delay the cops a bit while they argue over who has to tackle you (it's usually the rookie) but it makes you really easy to track.
Don’t smuggle animals in your pants. People really try this — snakes, birds, spiders — and it never ends well for the animal or the smuggler.
Buying bulk cleaning supplies at 2 a.m. does not make you mysterious; it makes you suspicious. Planning looks better than panic shopping.
Lakes are not escape routes. Plenty of getaway plans that involve a swim end with tired fugitives and very bored officers walking the shoreline.

Final note: These patterns are useful only as a reminder that most “brilliant” criminal schemes are hilariously low on planning and high on consequences. If you enjoy these stories, read them from your couch — with a laugh, a cold drink, and a functioning sense of self-preservation.