Longhorns’ Assistant Coach’s Girlfriend’s Monkey Bites Trick-or-Treater
I was trying to watch the Kansas City Chiefs Monday night when I was sent a barrage of text messages and Twitter DMs about Texas Longhorns Special Teams Coordinator Jeff Banks' monkey, who allegedly attacked a trick-or-treater on Halloween night.
If that was the story, it'd be crazy. It gets so much crazier.
The monkey was quickly discovered to not be the pet of Banks, but instead, the pet of Bank's stripper girlfriend whose stage name is "Pole Assassin." The monkey is a part of her act, and she's been featured on The Jerry Springer Show.
Miss Assassin took to Twitter to set the record straight on what happened on that fateful Halloween evening. She did in fact have a "haunted house" set up for the children, but allegedly the kid went through a gate that was shut to the back of the house where the monkey is kept.
She doubled down when questioned:
Miss Assassin then led us through the backyard to the scene of the "crime" in a now-deleted video from the same Twitter account.
In the video, Miss Assassin took us down a side passageway to a gate that she explained everyone knew to turn around at. Then, she went through the gate, round the swimming pool at least 50 feet away to the monkey cages where a sign read: "Do Not Touch. Emotional Support Animals."
Not long after the original video was deleted, the entire Twitter account that had been tweeting about the monkey incident had been deleted.
Twitter users were quick to try and help the situation for both Miss Assassin and the monkey in question:
Obviously, this is a developing story, and by the time you read this, #MonkeyGate will have even more twists and turns. I do hope one of the turns is not Jeff Banks losing out on future job opportunities because of Miss Assassin's monkey business.
By the way, #MonkeyGate is my second favorite hashtag to hit social media today. The first obviously is #HireMcGuire.
Check back for more updates on both hashtags.